For past few days I was on the edge. My tension was beating the hell out of my patience. I was just at my wits end. My pitiful condition has iatrogenic reasons. It just came erode my whole system and left me rotten. I felt wayward and distressed. It just wasn’t me. Then I found something.
My stint with diary writing was short and childish. It was the fad things you do and forget about it altogether. I have forgotten it. I have forgotten the person I was. I erased myself. Reading it again bring it all back. It came tumbling down, bouncing against each other,all crashing down in my mind. The past is remote on date, but it seems a different world out then. Everything was easy, uncomplicated. A molecule of glucose, a leucine, a moiety of fatty acid. Everything simplified against this age of starch, protein, and fat.
I haven’t thought reading it would matter much. But I was wrong. It just change the equilibrium of my heart and mind. My younger self reach up to me and shook me. It shook me hard and tight and then it show me. It show me all riches of life. When a yellow rose was just that yellow rose with no other meaning of friendship attach to it. When people were just that people with no unnecessary tag of bff attach to them.
Detach tag from people you love. No one is nobody father or mother or brother or sister or friend. There are just people , with their flaws and fabulousness. They are an independent entity. They have lives other than to just hang around with us. Letting go is important. Let them go.
As We grow up, we find our own reason for happiness, we pick our own cherries make our own pudding.
I have eaten mine. Actually devoured right down to its wrapper and what I wanted is to taste others. What I was demanding that they all line themselves up and be silent even glad when I start eating their part too. I first label them and now I want them to own up to it. It was stupid and cruel and I am sorry. I am sorry for ranting against you. I am sorry to make you feel bad for not being perfect. I am sorry I was not their when you need me. I am sorry to demand your presence now when you want no piece of Me. I am sorry to be jealous of your individuality. I am sorry to be jealous of your happiness. I am sorry for being jealous of your focus. I am sorry for projecting your wrong image with other. I am sorry for being a bitch. I am sorry to not ignore your shortcomings. I am sorry to wish to see your downfall. I am sorry for having so many things to be sorry about. You were my friend once now you are a person who wants different things.