I didn’t expected him to be here. In a party on a Friday night. Party hosted by a close friend of my brother. Perhaps he too is thinking the same.
What is she doing here in a party, on a Friday night.
I am staring at him now. My mind can’t seem to deal with it. Its weird seeming him here standing. Maybe because I usually see him sitting. Sitting in front of me in the college library. Every day of week for past 4 months. I dutifully sit at the same location, near the end of the library. Always in the corner. Always. I think corner person always have more space then the person in middle.And not to mention him. Him sitting opposite to me. Always.
He seems to shift a bit. Maybe trying to avert my gaze. Or maybe he is fidgity that way. He sure move a lot in library. Everyone in library know when he arrive. He with his big bag which still seems small as he carry book in his arm,Two sometime three book. His heavy boot on silent floor of library. People will look at him. They always do. Not to forget his looks. Never forget.
I never look at him when he comes. I just smile, a slow smile, smile of satisfaction, smile which says I was waiting for you. I Dont want him to see that smile. Its too personal and I agree a bit creepy.
He is moving now, moving towards me , still coming shit I guess he is really coming, Towards me. What do I do. What do anybody do. Should I first say hello or just nod. Nod in acknowledgement which seems to say I know you and you know me , have I nice day now.
I stand paralyzed making and deleting sentences. Its not that I love him or anything. Its just that he has most soulful eyes I have ever seen, eyes which say billion things, unspoken things.
I am sure some sort of noise escape from my mouth and I am sure he heard it as he move right past me to a stupid stall. Reflexly I change it into a cough. A more respectable thing. A cough. So you see I didn’t actually totally freak out when I see you but it was just a small respectable cough when you just move past me. Nothing biggie. See you next day on the same corner bench. I hope .
You are a friend of a friend. Your dating list is quite impressive. I never told anyone that I rather fancy you. That I constantly think about you. I have some reason to be quite. Let’s say you are well known. Well known and well liked.
Me, I am no one and nobody liked me. I thing I am being too harsh on myself rather say I am difficult to like very much. Difficult to know me. None of that my fault. I just find being agreeable to be depressing.
You came late to class yesterday so I become late today. In hope of sitting beside you but making it look so tiresome. Oh! You know all business of being late not a seat to sit,dang it I have to sit beside you I hope you don’t sense any underlying love in this. Scoff scoff class is boring let’s do small talks. I not much good but I hope you are. You know its just class that boring I do not normally talk rather I listen to class . but for quite some time I want to listen to you.
You were early today and I was late, very late. I don’t want to take chances you know. I was denied entry to the class. But you were in there, in the class talking to someone else. Quietly seated in far corner where no teacher bother to look you were there.talking. I can’t help but to think that the girl next to you might be me.
Hell that life , you can not plan everything in life. But just maybe if you come out right now because you are let’s say want to go to toilet, or water cooler,or just plain bunking and you saw me hunched up in the corner typing about you. Maybe you walk over cause you kinda know me. Probably felt sorry for me try to cheer me up crack some jokes, or let’s bitch about teacher or let’s talk how you got lucky yesterday and i would all be surprised of you being late yesterday. Never heard of you being late, really wow.
Then you will start going back to class but I know we are not finish talking so you suggest of going to nearby cafe after class. Maybe give you a treat of you being late and what not.
Or nothing would happen ,you will never get out of class ,we will never talk alone , and I will keep on meet
I was so into continue talking to him that i again activate my social media account i have uninstalled for months. I spend hours yesterday thinking about me and where i am going.
Today There is an resentment growing in me. Like a cold anger devulging me. I am feeling a strange anger, I don’t know why it is here ,it seems to just reside and spoil everything I take part in. It feels like real me the narcisstic, cynic and egoist me.
seems as the love struck puppy me was someone stupid, someone who believe in movies or have read too much novels. But it just didn’t happen. I don’t feel serene I feel twisted. Like everything I was doing in past week was sort of a facade . a false wall I thought I can make a future of. But it fall pretty fast ,like it was just bidding its time till my mind send a wave and pull it down. I just don’t belong for long. I had my play ,I had my time ,now it’s time to move on. There is so much to do i can’t just wait every time for his text to come. I hate waiting ,its like non negotiable to me. I like result and I like it fast .
I think being with him I was trying too hard. Too over the top. To feel desirable, important I pull myself low. I think I betrayed myself in ways I promise myself I would not do. Making someone irreplaceable is the biggest mistake one can do. Giving away yourself, your identity for being with someone is to punish yourself. The reality feel heavy and black like coming out of deep sleep. Better to see it first and stop myself before it is too late and I again find myself comforting in my tears.