I wanted to talk to him. Not text. Texting is not talking. Its a half baked tasteless substitute. Neither he nor me wanted to be seen together. We wanted it to be an adventure. I like things covert, hushed up. Not to be seen not to be talked about. We decided he will wait in front of the main library gate at around 10 after morning class.
He called right on time , I was in loo trying to do number two, cause constipation. I walked away from bathroom thinking, well a great first meet smell. Then I walked out towards the outside parking lot and there he was waiting, waiting for me. And yes it smelled not my bathroom smell but of his smoke.
“I thought u might take fifteen so I kinda had a joint.”
“No its totally cool. I never had a joint or anything. Sparking clean u see.”
“Well u ought to try..do not do smoking but yeah u can smoke up”.
“What the difference”
“Well its like when someone say I am going to smoke it mean cigarette but when someone say going to smoke up it mean smoking up a joint”.
“Alright…a new lingo for me”
“We are in final yr man u should loosen up”
“Not into it…liked my senses to be sharp and with me in control.”
“As you wish. Respect it. But were are we going.”
“To subway, there is like buy one and get one.”
“Yeah it is.”
We drive to the nearest subway and order our respective sandwich.
Though we were in same class but we never were in same group. He was more cooler hippier version and me a more model student. With time I started opening up and he started tighten up and well he texted me and well umm… I replied and so yeah we sort of talked…not even a good talk. Our texting time never synchronized and I find myself replying a day or two after the original text. Not wanting it to wither and die I insisted on meeting for a brunch or something.
Our order came right in, we both order the same sandwich. I asked him about his some quirky quality.
“Well I can make anyone cry”
I literally mentally cringe..not a good first friendly talk. Feigning interest I asked him how.
“Oh well first I carefully observe a person and u know try to finds things that ticks them what annoys them and well I use it carefully, minimally and yeah I get the require result.”
“So you are the man not to mess.”
“You are making me sound like a gangster or something. Its my fault I should have phrased it better. I am very empathic. I mostly know how other person feels. So if I wanted I can really feel when someone is irritated or annoyed. So here is my querky thingy. So what about you. ”
“Kind of like you. Have you heard about the word sonder?”
“Oh yeah ….loved it. Kind of like that everyone has a story and we are just part of their storyline.”
“Bingo…you are first one I do not have to make understand it. ”
And so the saga went…many of our first of that day. It was good …a spark. Then we just stop talking. Maybe the secrecy was too much. Maybe he was the net guy and me not. We still see each other on the library floor. He smelling of smoke and me of washroom.
You know we could be a thing
I know but we chose not
Yeah I guess so
You know what I meant the whole business is meaningless.
Yeah you are right
I looked at him. He was sitting beside me.
We hardly ever sit together in lecture. We are not touchy that way. If there is sit you are welcome but never did I hold a sit for him. I always find holding a sit for someone to be tiring. You know who is going to sit beside you. It just take away what little adventure we have in life.
But today he sat rather there beside me. Our body slightly touching each other. I was surprised that I felt nothing. Had it been three months before I would be bursting frome inside. Three months is the time it take a crush to be crushed into nothing. Three months I waited for him to notice me. Three months it take me to get used to his indifference. Three months of his talking about his lost love. Three months of his calling love a waste. Three months of my being a friend and telling him the same. Three months is a long time. Long enough to be dissuaded. Like I had been.
Here he sit nonchalant popping the question and here I sit beside him ,our body just touching saying no.
Bell rang ,teacher came and we studied. Behaving as if just not a minute before he actually proposed me and I actually said no. Life is weird I will give you that. Bloody fucking three months. I really wanted to laugh. Later he asked me if I want to go out with him. I said alright knowing where he meant. But boy two months back when he asked me the same I was wetting myself. Later when we “went out” we went library.
By outing he meant library. Yeah a fucking library. Not even college canteen.
Well at least he asked even if after three months. At least he asked is all I can say.
Something totally weird is going on in my life.
I am supposedly helping a friend coping with his break up while nourishing a crush over him. I fuck like this boy and seeing him go so madonna over this girl is making me mad. It’s retard.
I am nodding my head, writing most sensible email while trying ways to get a date out of him. We are strict study buddy and never had a outing. Not even let roam in the road type. I see this guy for hours , we laugh together, we learn together and just that. Nothing else. Next we came to talk is his ex.
I know I am not the cutest in the bunch, OK maybe not the one in a pair even but man I got feelings too. We gell together like mango and vanilla. I listen to him like he is the next best thing. Seriously he is not.
I carry my heart on my sleeves and I drop it very easy. It doesn’t matter how he looks like or how he is academically, if he just shine when my heart is at weakest I got a crush.
I am not the type of girl who hide his crush. Everyone in my dorm will know who I got eyes over. They then try to do those irritating thing which we girls can do so effortlessly it seems it came wired on us. They literally eye him like he is a fresh meat. They will then tell me if he got a hairstyle or which color of cloth look good on him which frankly is insane. They notice what even I don’t notice and for record I notice a lot.
I know how these things work for me. There would like a good hype over this guy but next thing I know I am hyperventilating over another , its kinda like a trend I have seen so many times that now I rather enjoy then be anxious. After everything said and done we can always say shit happens.
For past few days I was on the edge. My tension was beating the hell out of my patience. I was just at my wits end. My pitiful condition has iatrogenic reasons. It just came erode my whole system and left me rotten. I felt wayward and distressed. It just wasn’t me. Then I found something.
My stint with diary writing was short and childish. It was the fad things you do and forget about it altogether. I have forgotten it. I have forgotten the person I was. I erased myself. Reading it again bring it all back. It came tumbling down, bouncing against each other,all crashing down in my mind. The past is remote on date, but it seems a different world out then. Everything was easy, uncomplicated. A molecule of glucose, a leucine, a moiety of fatty acid. Everything simplified against this age of starch, protein, and fat.
I haven’t thought reading it would matter much. But I was wrong. It just change the equilibrium of my heart and mind. My younger self reach up to me and shook me. It shook me hard and tight and then it show me. It show me all riches of life. When a yellow rose was just that yellow rose with no other meaning of friendship attach to it. When people were just that people with no unnecessary tag of bff attach to them.
Detach tag from people you love. No one is nobody father or mother or brother or sister or friend. There are just people , with their flaws and fabulousness. They are an independent entity. They have lives other than to just hang around with us. Letting go is important. Let them go.
As We grow up, we find our own reason for happiness, we pick our own cherries make our own pudding.
I have eaten mine. Actually devoured right down to its wrapper and what I wanted is to taste others. What I was demanding that they all line themselves up and be silent even glad when I start eating their part too. I first label them and now I want them to own up to it. It was stupid and cruel and I am sorry. I am sorry for ranting against you. I am sorry to make you feel bad for not being perfect. I am sorry I was not their when you need me. I am sorry to demand your presence now when you want no piece of Me. I am sorry to be jealous of your individuality. I am sorry to be jealous of your happiness. I am sorry for being jealous of your focus. I am sorry for projecting your wrong image with other. I am sorry for being a bitch. I am sorry to not ignore your shortcomings. I am sorry to wish to see your downfall. I am sorry for having so many things to be sorry about. You were my friend once now you are a person who wants different things.
I strain my neck to look up. I know the voice,heard it many times before. Looking up ,when a aeroplane goes by seems like a reflex to me.
It comes as a reflex to me like a few months back calling her my best friend was a reflex. But I outgrew that one. These series of blogs its sort of my last ritual to really get rid of my self her presence.
I met her when I was sixteen and we just hit off. I was proud of her like she was my shiny little toy. She was the new girl and I was big nobody,overweight and rough. I
Sort of took her under my wings but it seems she was always too bright to be hold. She was better then me in everything be it studies or sports you name it.
Those days were fun. Mainly because I don’t yet start mastering at the art of jealousy.(spoiler alert,I am ALWAYS bad guy here)
The ferocity of exam mellow down after curriculum changes to grading system. It seem as if thousand of collective breath of students let go at once.They become a matter of ease. Nobody remain afraid of them anymore. What I basically do all day is watch film and sitcoms telling my mother I am trying to improve my English and it bloody work every time. My father half sister love for anything having large mouthed English words also helped.
I was never famous with boys. Apart my large bones and larger fatty tissue I was also a snobbish girl. I was a girl which hate people better than her,who has vanity around people worser than her and tolerate people like her but still manage to label them irritating half a dozen times.I I was just a bad ass. I am still uncomfortable around boys but finds myself opening to them easily. I see in them a challenge. They are different, its like you have all your life eaten corn flakes and tasted oats for first time. Its refreshing,yes. But you are bound to get bored. They are like a puzzle to me, I solved them once and then I want something new or they will get stale and I will move on. You have my attention until you engage me. Turn mundane and you will see my attention wane. These are not the qualities of a trusted friend. I am like a local product which will serve you best for a few weeks but would not hold your hand forever. Sorry.
But I still got lucky and make few friends. Three to be exact. We were thicker than Caroline cousins. We all have our role in the group. I was the sarcasm queen. Still am.
I hate people who bully others but finds myself getting dominated among friends. To be honest I cannot understand how anyone want to be my friend and why such good ones. In retrospect I feel I didn’t deserve them. I feel sometimes I am so bad why anyone would love me and then the cynic in me kick in and I see the world as a loveless whore trying to fake it. It become difficult accepting a smile.
I try to embrace my cynic like a long lost sister. It has helped me a lot to get over my territorial behavior for her. It make it easier to let her go and even thankful for it. But(that’s a very nasty word right here) then I see it. It came unbidding and force me to look at it, makes me forlorn and guilty. When the goodness shine and you let it seep it all in, it question you. It ask you is it worth it. Is not knowing the pain cover for the happiness of being together. I cringe mentally when I see the photos of people in group laughing.I become jealous of them. then I try to picturise myself with them, but it never come whole. I see myself as a fake,plastic.
Maybe I am still looking for her. A girl who could understand me. Take me as I am. Wouldn’t judge me or tell me to change myself. Who will know why I do certain things at times when I myself forgets. I know its possible cause I have once befriend a girl like that when I was sixteen.