I wanted to talk to him. Not text. Texting is not talking. Its a half baked tasteless substitute. Neither he nor me wanted to be seen together. We wanted it to be an adventure. I like things covert, hushed up. Not to be seen not to be talked about. We decided he will wait in front of the main library gate at around 10 after morning class.
He called right on time , I was in loo trying to do number two, cause constipation. I walked away from bathroom thinking, well a great first meet smell. Then I walked out towards the outside parking lot and there he was waiting, waiting for me. And yes it smelled not my bathroom smell but of his smoke.
“I thought u might take fifteen so I kinda had a joint.”
“No its totally cool. I never had a joint or anything. Sparking clean u see.”
“Well u ought to try..do not do smoking but yeah u can smoke up”.
“What the difference”
“Well its like when someone say I am going to smoke it mean cigarette but when someone say going to smoke up it mean smoking up a joint”.
“Alright…a new lingo for me”
“We are in final yr man u should loosen up”
“Not into it…liked my senses to be sharp and with me in control.”
“As you wish. Respect it. But were are we going.”
“To subway, there is like buy one and get one.”
“Yeah it is.”
We drive to the nearest subway and order our respective sandwich.
Though we were in same class but we never were in same group. He was more cooler hippier version and me a more model student. With time I started opening up and he started tighten up and well he texted me and well umm… I replied and so yeah we sort of talked…not even a good talk. Our texting time never synchronized and I find myself replying a day or two after the original text. Not wanting it to wither and die I insisted on meeting for a brunch or something.
Our order came right in, we both order the same sandwich. I asked him about his some quirky quality.
“Well I can make anyone cry”
I literally mentally cringe..not a good first friendly talk. Feigning interest I asked him how.
“Oh well first I carefully observe a person and u know try to finds things that ticks them what annoys them and well I use it carefully, minimally and yeah I get the require result.”
“So you are the man not to mess.”
“You are making me sound like a gangster or something. Its my fault I should have phrased it better. I am very empathic. I mostly know how other person feels. So if I wanted I can really feel when someone is irritated or annoyed. So here is my querky thingy. So what about you. ”
“Kind of like you. Have you heard about the word sonder?”
“Oh yeah ….loved it. Kind of like that everyone has a story and we are just part of their storyline.”
“Bingo…you are first one I do not have to make understand it. ”
And so the saga went…many of our first of that day. It was good …a spark. Then we just stop talking. Maybe the secrecy was too much. Maybe he was the net guy and me not. We still see each other on the library floor. He smelling of smoke and me of washroom.
I didn’t expected him to be here. In a party on a Friday night. Party hosted by a close friend of my brother. Perhaps he too is thinking the same.
What is she doing here in a party, on a Friday night.
I am staring at him now. My mind can’t seem to deal with it. Its weird seeming him here standing. Maybe because I usually see him sitting. Sitting in front of me in the college library. Every day of week for past 4 months. I dutifully sit at the same location, near the end of the library. Always in the corner. Always. I think corner person always have more space then the person in middle.And not to mention him. Him sitting opposite to me. Always.
He seems to shift a bit. Maybe trying to avert my gaze. Or maybe he is fidgity that way. He sure move a lot in library. Everyone in library know when he arrive. He with his big bag which still seems small as he carry book in his arm,Two sometime three book. His heavy boot on silent floor of library. People will look at him. They always do. Not to forget his looks. Never forget.
I never look at him when he comes. I just smile, a slow smile, smile of satisfaction, smile which says I was waiting for you. I Dont want him to see that smile. Its too personal and I agree a bit creepy.
He is moving now, moving towards me , still coming shit I guess he is really coming, Towards me. What do I do. What do anybody do. Should I first say hello or just nod. Nod in acknowledgement which seems to say I know you and you know me , have I nice day now.
I stand paralyzed making and deleting sentences. Its not that I love him or anything. Its just that he has most soulful eyes I have ever seen, eyes which say billion things, unspoken things.
I am sure some sort of noise escape from my mouth and I am sure he heard it as he move right past me to a stupid stall. Reflexly I change it into a cough. A more respectable thing. A cough. So you see I didn’t actually totally freak out when I see you but it was just a small respectable cough when you just move past me. Nothing biggie. See you next day on the same corner bench. I hope .
You are a friend of a friend. Your dating list is quite impressive. I never told anyone that I rather fancy you. That I constantly think about you. I have some reason to be quite. Let’s say you are well known. Well known and well liked.
Me, I am no one and nobody liked me. I thing I am being too harsh on myself rather say I am difficult to like very much. Difficult to know me. None of that my fault. I just find being agreeable to be depressing.
You came late to class yesterday so I become late today. In hope of sitting beside you but making it look so tiresome. Oh! You know all business of being late not a seat to sit,dang it I have to sit beside you I hope you don’t sense any underlying love in this. Scoff scoff class is boring let’s do small talks. I not much good but I hope you are. You know its just class that boring I do not normally talk rather I listen to class . but for quite some time I want to listen to you.
You were early today and I was late, very late. I don’t want to take chances you know. I was denied entry to the class. But you were in there, in the class talking to someone else. Quietly seated in far corner where no teacher bother to look you were there.talking. I can’t help but to think that the girl next to you might be me.
Hell that life , you can not plan everything in life. But just maybe if you come out right now because you are let’s say want to go to toilet, or water cooler,or just plain bunking and you saw me hunched up in the corner typing about you. Maybe you walk over cause you kinda know me. Probably felt sorry for me try to cheer me up crack some jokes, or let’s bitch about teacher or let’s talk how you got lucky yesterday and i would all be surprised of you being late yesterday. Never heard of you being late, really wow.
Then you will start going back to class but I know we are not finish talking so you suggest of going to nearby cafe after class. Maybe give you a treat of you being late and what not.
Or nothing would happen ,you will never get out of class ,we will never talk alone , and I will keep on meet
You know we could be a thing
I know but we chose not
Yeah I guess so
You know what I meant the whole business is meaningless.
Yeah you are right
I looked at him. He was sitting beside me.
We hardly ever sit together in lecture. We are not touchy that way. If there is sit you are welcome but never did I hold a sit for him. I always find holding a sit for someone to be tiring. You know who is going to sit beside you. It just take away what little adventure we have in life.
But today he sat rather there beside me. Our body slightly touching each other. I was surprised that I felt nothing. Had it been three months before I would be bursting frome inside. Three months is the time it take a crush to be crushed into nothing. Three months I waited for him to notice me. Three months it take me to get used to his indifference. Three months of his talking about his lost love. Three months of his calling love a waste. Three months of my being a friend and telling him the same. Three months is a long time. Long enough to be dissuaded. Like I had been.
Here he sit nonchalant popping the question and here I sit beside him ,our body just touching saying no.
Bell rang ,teacher came and we studied. Behaving as if just not a minute before he actually proposed me and I actually said no. Life is weird I will give you that. Bloody fucking three months. I really wanted to laugh. Later he asked me if I want to go out with him. I said alright knowing where he meant. But boy two months back when he asked me the same I was wetting myself. Later when we “went out” we went library.
By outing he meant library. Yeah a fucking library. Not even college canteen.
Well at least he asked even if after three months. At least he asked is all I can say.
I was so into continue talking to him that i again activate my social media account i have uninstalled for months. I spend hours yesterday thinking about me and where i am going.
Today There is an resentment growing in me. Like a cold anger devulging me. I am feeling a strange anger, I don’t know why it is here ,it seems to just reside and spoil everything I take part in. It feels like real me the narcisstic, cynic and egoist me.
seems as the love struck puppy me was someone stupid, someone who believe in movies or have read too much novels. But it just didn’t happen. I don’t feel serene I feel twisted. Like everything I was doing in past week was sort of a facade . a false wall I thought I can make a future of. But it fall pretty fast ,like it was just bidding its time till my mind send a wave and pull it down. I just don’t belong for long. I had my play ,I had my time ,now it’s time to move on. There is so much to do i can’t just wait every time for his text to come. I hate waiting ,its like non negotiable to me. I like result and I like it fast .
I think being with him I was trying too hard. Too over the top. To feel desirable, important I pull myself low. I think I betrayed myself in ways I promise myself I would not do. Making someone irreplaceable is the biggest mistake one can do. Giving away yourself, your identity for being with someone is to punish yourself. The reality feel heavy and black like coming out of deep sleep. Better to see it first and stop myself before it is too late and I again find myself comforting in my tears.
Something totally weird is going on in my life.
I am supposedly helping a friend coping with his break up while nourishing a crush over him. I fuck like this boy and seeing him go so madonna over this girl is making me mad. It’s retard.
I am nodding my head, writing most sensible email while trying ways to get a date out of him. We are strict study buddy and never had a outing. Not even let roam in the road type. I see this guy for hours , we laugh together, we learn together and just that. Nothing else. Next we came to talk is his ex.
I know I am not the cutest in the bunch, OK maybe not the one in a pair even but man I got feelings too. We gell together like mango and vanilla. I listen to him like he is the next best thing. Seriously he is not.
I carry my heart on my sleeves and I drop it very easy. It doesn’t matter how he looks like or how he is academically, if he just shine when my heart is at weakest I got a crush.
I am not the type of girl who hide his crush. Everyone in my dorm will know who I got eyes over. They then try to do those irritating thing which we girls can do so effortlessly it seems it came wired on us. They literally eye him like he is a fresh meat. They will then tell me if he got a hairstyle or which color of cloth look good on him which frankly is insane. They notice what even I don’t notice and for record I notice a lot.
I know how these things work for me. There would like a good hype over this guy but next thing I know I am hyperventilating over another , its kinda like a trend I have seen so many times that now I rather enjoy then be anxious. After everything said and done we can always say shit happens.
Its OK if I stand alone cause I am always lone
Its OK if you don’t ask cause I am just an outcast
Its OK if you don’t look me in the eye
Its OK if you say the most hurtful things with smile
Its OK if I weep and you don’t see as you don’t look me in the eye
Its OK if I storm out of the room and you will still smile.
Its not OK if you come back to me with bruises
Its not OK if you cry and fight in front of me
Its not OK if you expect me to stich
Its not OK if you want to kiss away your tears
Its not OK if you make me more hollow to make yourself less shallow